Letting Go

I created this blog to give myself a place where I could express my thoughts and feelings about moving and missing my friends and life in Maryland. After a couple weeks I stopped writing here because it seemed I was saying the same thing over and over, nothing new was coming to me, I wasn't getting anywhere. Nearly four months later I am picking it up again, but am completely changing its purpose.

In the past I have made a series of bad decisions, some were only hurtful to me, others hurt people that I loved and cared about, but I kept making the same decisions and it became a vicious cycle and the results never changed. Isn't that the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results? But of course you never get new results. This past week it came to light that I was making another of those bad decisions, similar to the ones I had made before, but this was much more personal and much more hurtful of those around me. I was forced to step back and look at myself, and hated what I saw. I was overcome with self disgust and self loathing, I couldn't believe what I had been doing, how selfish I had been, how I didn't care who I hurt, how it was so easy for me to just go ahead and do what I knew was so wrong. I knew I needed help, knew that I needed to do a complete 180 degree turn and go in the opposite direction, or else I was looking at a future of bad decisions and ultimately a ruined and miserable life.

This realization of needing to change terrified me; I knew there was no possible way I could make the change myself, I had proven time and again that I am not strong enough to quit the habits I had gotten into. I also knew no one would be able to change me either. My only other option: God. I needed God. I need God like I need air, without him I was going to die. This realization terrified me as much as the realization of the change that needs to happen. I have openly disregarded God for the past three or four years, I have told Him personally that I want nothing to do with him, that I want control of my own life and thanks but no thanks for His gifts and plans. So the idea that He is the only one who can save me was horrifying and humbling.

I went to him in the shower two days ago, told him where I was at, told him how I am feeling, begged his forgiveness and salvation, and at once felt at peace. I could almost literally hear him telling me that he has forgiven me, that he loves me, that he will hold me up and walk me through the change I have ahead of me. At this I broke completely, reduced to tears, could not believe, even though I have been told about God's forgiveness and mercy my entire life, still could not fully believe that he took me back and forgave me just like that. I almost didn't want it, I was so disgusted with myself and actions, and so overwhelmed by how much I don't deserve his forgiveness and grace, that I was nearly upset by such mercy.

I called my friend Erica who has been pursuing me to join her to go to Fuel, the college student youth group at the church. I told her something had happened and I have hit rock bottom, that I need help, and that I would be joining her at Fuel that Sunday. Before we went to Fuel, she and I went out to coffee, I told her about my actions and mistakes, how I need to go back to God, how I am afraid of change, how I don't know where to go in starting my walk with God. She was so understanding, not judgemental, supportive; she told me stories of her own struggles and how God has helped her and her husband through troubles, how He has changed her life, she advised me on where to start, and offered her help to me. God really spoke to me through her, and it meant the world to me, I was so encouraged. I saw the light of God in her, which is a very cliche thing to me, but I really did see it in her, I saw how much her relationship with God affected her life, and it was something I found myself sitting across from her thinking "Thats what I want! How do I get that?"

So we went to Fuel, and it was so incredible. There wasn't a sermon tonight, it was a special night of baptisms, and mixed in with worship, six people went on stage and shared with everyone their stories; the mistakes they had made in their lives, their troubles, what brought them to Christ, how he changed their lives. It was no mistake in that night being my first night, God set it up perfectly. Hearing the stories gave me hope - I felt God telling and showing me that even though we (I) screw up and fall short, no matter what I have done, He will not abandon me, He will take me back and he can fix me. It was such an incredible night.

Looking back, I cannot believe the transformation in me. Literally overnight I changed from a teenage girl who wanted nothing to do with God, to a young woman who cannot get enough of God and is putting her whole future and all her worries, plans, actions in his hands.

So this blog will no longer be the whining pity party of that teenage girl. It will be the documentation and log of the young woman as she pursues a relationship with God.

When I got home from Erica's tonight one of the first things I did was pull out my Bible (which took me a really long time to find!) and I read a few psalms. What stood out to me was Davids recurrent statements about how God will come to him, will answer him when he calls, will be there for him. It was so reassuring to me that God will not leave me, will come to me when I need him, when I am in trouble he will scoop me up and hold me and show me what to do. In this time in my life where there is no consistency and the feeling of loneliness is often overwhelming, the reassurance that God is always here for and with me is awesome.

But you are a shield around me O Lord, you bestow glory on me and lift up my head. To the Lord I cry aloud and he answers me from his holy hill.
~Psalm 3:3-4