All Of My Memories Keep You Near {Within Temptation}

I am officially in Illinois.

Not too happy about this I must say. I did get to see Uncle Rob, Aunt Donita and my little cousin Sarah. They made us dinner and we relaxed and caught up for an hour or so. That was a nice treat, and a great alternative to fast food for dinner. (Thank you Donita!)

It has just sort of hit me that I really am here, in Illinois, for good. Well not permanently for good, but at least for the next year. And there is nothing I can do about it. Before this I had been keeping my spirits alive by planning my trips back to visit good ol' MD over winter, spring and summer break. But now that we are here, that all seems so much more difficult and unrealistic. Not that it really is unrealistic, but it just seems a little more overwhelming.

I miss my friends, I want to go home. This is the first day in a couple weeks that I have gone without seeing Thomas, Victoria and Stephen, and it is really hard already. I found myself comparing my feelings of missing them to when I get over a breakup. When its a guy I am missing, he is all I think about and all I want is to be in his arms and hear is voice. I never thought I would miss my friends the same way. I would give anything to be piled on Stephens couch with Victoria, laughing at whatever antics Tom is up to and Stephen on the floor editing pictures on his laptop. Nothing (besides riding Isaac) makes me happier than when I am with them, even if we are just sitting on the hood of a car for four hours watching two men cut down a tree (Victoria, lol).

I feel like such a moody teenager, but at this point I'm feeling really negative about this whole thing and don't really want to feel any other way. I am feeling antisocial, except my texting and calling md people all day long, and hate the idea of making new friends as funny as that is. I have the mindset of a child "I dont want new friends, I want my friends!"

But the hotel we are staying in is really really nice. The rooms are huge (I actually have a bed to sleep on this time), there is a pool and hot tub (which I am going to need). There are hot guys here too, but I'm not really feeling all that flirty at the moment - maybe tomorrow. I want to see Mimi really badly, I hope we can visit soon.
I am really tired and would write more but it would just be more whining about how I miss my besties, so I will save myself (and you) all of that and just end this note here for the night.

How Does Water From the Sky Make Us Cry? {Harmonious Farting}

Wow, today was so overwhelming. My last day in Maryland, I expected to feel down all day, reminiscing about memories I've had and thinking about how much I will miss it here. But instead, my amazing, lovely, fantastic friends stepped in and we had such a good time that I didn't have a chance to cry. I had a relaxing morning to myself, since my family left for the house early and Victoria picked me up from the hotel later in the morning. I had the tv to myself, a couple of Cosmos and my laptop - all I need for entertainment :) Then Stephen, Victoria, Tom, Marley and I loaded up our Subway (and Tom's McDonalds chicken nuggets) and headed to Sugarloaf mountain. We almost died driving up there because apparently a "daddy long leg" fell in through the car window onto Stephen's lap. You would have thought there was a rabid squirrel attacking him by the way he carried on. We had to pull over on the side of the very windy, trecherous road and search the entire back seat for this poor spider, who had probably been so traumatized he was hiding under the seat. I still swear it was a piece of someone's hair that was blowing around - ah Stephen.




When we finally dragged ourselves to the top, with Tom and Stephen whining and screaming about bugs the entire way, we had a lovely picnic upon the rocks with the lovely view. It took us forever to decide on a place to eat and ended up spreading out all over the place (we all wanted a separate rock to eat on). The bugs soon discovered that there was delicious subs being eating in the vicinity and were willing to fight us for them, so we ended up scarfing down our food as quickly as we could and then just sat around admiring the landscape below. We left pretty soon after that, and it was easier for us to get down than it was for us to get up as there were stairs leading down. Even so, Victoria and I almost killed ourselves because the stairs were steep and slick and we were wearing flip flops.
There was a lot of running around the neighborhood after that little excursion. We stopped by Stephen's house so that he could put his nasty tuna sub that he hadn't finished eating, in the fridge (it was smelling up the car making us all want to puke - Victoria was driving with her head out the window). While we were there, Victoria very skillfully wrenched her cars driver door off its hinges - so off to the mechanic's we went! Even that was entertaining somehow.




More hiking ensued after that little detour in our plans. Thomas was about to kill us all as he was hot and tired of walking in the woods. But we wanted to stick our feet in water, and the water at North Creek Lake was disgusting so we had to galavant into the woods for about a mile to reach the lovely creek. We ended up deciding that the cool water was semi-worth the hike.

To finish off the night, we ordered pizza and watched Yes Man at Stephen's house (he has the perfect basement for movie nights, dark cool and comfortable), and by the time the movie ended we were all hysterical with laughter.




Not until we pulled up outside my hotel did the waterworks begin. I didn't expect to cry. I wanted to and I felt that I needed to open up and cry with the people I know love me and who I am mourning. Still I didn't know if I would be able to let my guard down in front of them. Stephen and Tom took care of that. They played the song that Thomas wrote about my going away which is just the saddest song I have ever heard. That had Victoria and I weeping our eyes out. When we got out to say our final goodbyes (which lasted a good 45 minutes) we just started having too much fun - so there was a lot of hugging, crying, and laughing going on all at the same time.

It felt really good to be vulnerable with these people who mean the world to me. I'm so disappointed that I didn't have more time with them. We really only started hanging out regularly a couple weeks ago. Victoria I can see having a great relationship with despite the distance between us. I can see myself growing distant from Stephen and Tom in time, but I will always cherish the time I have had with my gay boyfriends, and hopefully we will again have time together the four of us - doing things that don't make sense and having the most fun we have ever had doing it.

Things didn't end well between Marley and I. I won't go into details but I feel as if things may truely be over between her and I. That may not have been the case if I were staying in Maryland. But with distance between us I can see our friendship slipping away. Which saddens me beyond belief because our relationship has been very solid for the past eight years, even through rough times it has always pulled through. This is different somehow though, and I feel terrible that she and I parted ways the way we did. I regret not being able to see Edgar again too. I think that he and I will continue being friends for a while because our friendship isn't based on similar activities (thus the relationship won't fade when the activity ends) but we were strangers with nothing in common when we started talking.

Tomorrow is going to be long and hard. I am already feeling lonely. Even though I will have my family with me, who are all feeling similarly to how I am, I still feel like I am alone and there is nothing anyone can do for me. My friends here better be prepared to receive tons of texts and calls from me over the next few days at least.

The Long Road Back {Brian Adams}

The time has come - the move has begun!

Bright an early the movers came to pack up the house. I must say I was quite relieved when I discovered that it was mostly women who would be at least just doing the packing. I hate the idea of men going through my personal items (tampon boxes in the bathroom, underwear in the sock drawer - eek!) But it's amazing the work we had to do to pack the things we didn't want packed. Because we will be living out of suitcases for about a week and so we have to pack items and clothing that we need with us for that amount of time. It's like getting ready for vacation but instead of anticipating fun and relaxation I'm staring into the face of stress and fear.

I'm very frustrated with life. Besides just the fact that I'm moving away from my home my senior year and away from my best friend, a lot of opportunities here have just opened up that I don't have the option to explore. I've made a really good relationship with Victoria, who is going away to college anyways, but I could see her and I being very close if we had more time together. If i were staying I would probably be dating Edgar, who of course I finally found out likes me back a week before I move. My pony Isaac and I have just started to make headway in our rides together, both as far as his learning to be ridden and my confidence in riding him.

But dwelling on what I am leaving behind won't do me any good and I know this. If my new friendships are meant to last then they will, no matter how difficult that may be. And if they don't then I can look back fondly on the fun I had with them. Isaac and I have gone through so much together, I know that he loves me as much as I love him no matter if he belongs to me or not. Marley and I will be best friends for life hands down. History has shown that we are just meant to be together, through all the fights and the separations and the crap we have put each other through for eight years.

And moving gives me great opportunities! I get to be closer to my family, which I haven't had since I was very very little. I finally get to say that I am taking a trip to see my aunt for the weekend or have my grandparents come see a play I am in. I get to make a fresh start at who I am and what I want to do. I feel like MD holds a lot of baggage for me, and when I move, no one knows about it, no one will judge me about it, I can be who I want to be. I have a chance to break bad habits and be the person I know I can be. I have a chance to be independent and make decisions and support myself. Meeting new people is always exciting, and Midwestern boys are HOT!

The journey there (including settling in, not just the physical move) is going to be difficult and exhausting. I need to work on allowing people to help me, to open up and confide in people, to show emotion in front of people I know I can trust. If I dont, if I continue to try to keep it to myself then I will most likely burn out and the transition will be so much more difficult.