Letting Go

I created this blog to give myself a place where I could express my thoughts and feelings about moving and missing my friends and life in Maryland. After a couple weeks I stopped writing here because it seemed I was saying the same thing over and over, nothing new was coming to me, I wasn't getting anywhere. Nearly four months later I am picking it up again, but am completely changing its purpose.

In the past I have made a series of bad decisions, some were only hurtful to me, others hurt people that I loved and cared about, but I kept making the same decisions and it became a vicious cycle and the results never changed. Isn't that the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results? But of course you never get new results. This past week it came to light that I was making another of those bad decisions, similar to the ones I had made before, but this was much more personal and much more hurtful of those around me. I was forced to step back and look at myself, and hated what I saw. I was overcome with self disgust and self loathing, I couldn't believe what I had been doing, how selfish I had been, how I didn't care who I hurt, how it was so easy for me to just go ahead and do what I knew was so wrong. I knew I needed help, knew that I needed to do a complete 180 degree turn and go in the opposite direction, or else I was looking at a future of bad decisions and ultimately a ruined and miserable life.

This realization of needing to change terrified me; I knew there was no possible way I could make the change myself, I had proven time and again that I am not strong enough to quit the habits I had gotten into. I also knew no one would be able to change me either. My only other option: God. I needed God. I need God like I need air, without him I was going to die. This realization terrified me as much as the realization of the change that needs to happen. I have openly disregarded God for the past three or four years, I have told Him personally that I want nothing to do with him, that I want control of my own life and thanks but no thanks for His gifts and plans. So the idea that He is the only one who can save me was horrifying and humbling.

I went to him in the shower two days ago, told him where I was at, told him how I am feeling, begged his forgiveness and salvation, and at once felt at peace. I could almost literally hear him telling me that he has forgiven me, that he loves me, that he will hold me up and walk me through the change I have ahead of me. At this I broke completely, reduced to tears, could not believe, even though I have been told about God's forgiveness and mercy my entire life, still could not fully believe that he took me back and forgave me just like that. I almost didn't want it, I was so disgusted with myself and actions, and so overwhelmed by how much I don't deserve his forgiveness and grace, that I was nearly upset by such mercy.

I called my friend Erica who has been pursuing me to join her to go to Fuel, the college student youth group at the church. I told her something had happened and I have hit rock bottom, that I need help, and that I would be joining her at Fuel that Sunday. Before we went to Fuel, she and I went out to coffee, I told her about my actions and mistakes, how I need to go back to God, how I am afraid of change, how I don't know where to go in starting my walk with God. She was so understanding, not judgemental, supportive; she told me stories of her own struggles and how God has helped her and her husband through troubles, how He has changed her life, she advised me on where to start, and offered her help to me. God really spoke to me through her, and it meant the world to me, I was so encouraged. I saw the light of God in her, which is a very cliche thing to me, but I really did see it in her, I saw how much her relationship with God affected her life, and it was something I found myself sitting across from her thinking "Thats what I want! How do I get that?"

So we went to Fuel, and it was so incredible. There wasn't a sermon tonight, it was a special night of baptisms, and mixed in with worship, six people went on stage and shared with everyone their stories; the mistakes they had made in their lives, their troubles, what brought them to Christ, how he changed their lives. It was no mistake in that night being my first night, God set it up perfectly. Hearing the stories gave me hope - I felt God telling and showing me that even though we (I) screw up and fall short, no matter what I have done, He will not abandon me, He will take me back and he can fix me. It was such an incredible night.

Looking back, I cannot believe the transformation in me. Literally overnight I changed from a teenage girl who wanted nothing to do with God, to a young woman who cannot get enough of God and is putting her whole future and all her worries, plans, actions in his hands.

So this blog will no longer be the whining pity party of that teenage girl. It will be the documentation and log of the young woman as she pursues a relationship with God.

When I got home from Erica's tonight one of the first things I did was pull out my Bible (which took me a really long time to find!) and I read a few psalms. What stood out to me was Davids recurrent statements about how God will come to him, will answer him when he calls, will be there for him. It was so reassuring to me that God will not leave me, will come to me when I need him, when I am in trouble he will scoop me up and hold me and show me what to do. In this time in my life where there is no consistency and the feeling of loneliness is often overwhelming, the reassurance that God is always here for and with me is awesome.

But you are a shield around me O Lord, you bestow glory on me and lift up my head. To the Lord I cry aloud and he answers me from his holy hill.
~Psalm 3:3-4

I want to get out of this hell hole

The Postcard Reads 'Wish You Were Here' But I'd Rather Wish I Was There {Rise Against}

I find it more difficult to blog on a daily basis because day to day nothing changes too much.
There is usually some stressful errand or another to run, then there is a lot of downtime at home and I end up either sitting online talking to friends or reading/watching movies. Feelings fluctuate but they are always the same; I'm alright and sometimes even optimistic when I am out doing things, but afterwards, at home, I get depressed and discouraged again.

But things may change soon, for the better. I spent a few hours at State Farm Park (specifically just lounging on the lazy river) with my friend Erica today. She and I discussed the local music scene, with coffeehouses and shows every weekend, and she has invited me to join her whenever I want. Then there is Fuel - a young adult group at the church - that I am probably going to at least try out and see if I like it. With church things I usually never want to go, but once I do I have a great time. So I will force myself to go this weekend.

I'm not sure how I feel about going to Fuel though, in general. I mean I want to go for the social aspect of it, but I'm still not on a comfortable level with God. I don't know if I want to go to something that I don't believe in or am unsure about (and I'm sure my family will encourage me to go because maybe it will take me back to the "right path," but I'm still not sure if I'm interested). Whatever, we will figure it out, I will go and decide after if I want to go back or not.

I finished reading Swimsuit by James Patterson in two days - it was that good (Victoria you were right, better than an orgasm). It was a story about a serial killer working for an organization, killing people and videotaping it for sale - told in the perspective of about 6 different characters. I also watched Disturbia with Shia LeBeuf last night (as in, he was in the movie, not with me while I was watching the movie). I found it to be fun, that is how I would describe it. I enjoyed watching it for the first time, because it was thrilling trying to figure out what would happen next. But looking back on it, it was a dumb, predictable plot, the twists and turns were a little outrageous, and quite honestly, Shia LeBeuf is not that attractive at all. I will never watch it again, but I had white knuckles while watching it last night.
So now after reading Swimsuit and watching Disturbia my brain is causing me to see serial killers around every corner on my evening walks :-P (and I have yet to watch Sweeny Todd - tomorrow nights flick)

A short blog to sum up a few very uneventful and depressing days.

Tom, Stephen, Victoria I love you and think about you always!

Tom, Victoria, Stephen

You are there and I am here.
The only thing I had to fear.
Prayers and dreams and wishes too
All were granted one way: You.

Days rolled in, days rolled out,
Always you and I about,
The one thing constant to my day,
You and I, up and away.

Memories hold only joy,
And talks about some girl or boy,
Through the sorrow and the hurt,
Never were you ever curt.
I trusted you as you did me,
None appreciated more than we.

Hours spent in nothingness,
Provided us with only bliss.
Simple were our lives back then,
If only now things were as been.

Now I’m here, and you are there.
No happiness is anywhere.
I speak to you across the miles,
Through a series of numbers and dials.
And while I’m grateful for what I get,
I miss you terribly, you can bet.
I count the hours to when we meet,
A couple weeks will be a treat.

But for now I’m here and you are there,
And our memories are ours to share.

Ain't Seen or Heard From You, Been Missin You Crazy {Jesse McCartney}

So I have been without internet for a couple days which has caused some difficulty for me - I haven't been able to talk to people nor have I been able to blog here (and let us not forget that I have not been able to check facebook in four days - 104 notifications!!!). Difficulties.

The past three or four days have been some of the most stressful of the entire move. I went to the high school with my family both to register my brother for school and to get more information about what needed to be done to get me into the dual -credit program. That went on for what felt like hours and led me to be absolutely opposed to attending high school at Normal West. I walked in the building, and have you noticed that when you enter a high school the whole setting makes you on edge and uneasy? Just me? Okay, anways, so I was convinced that high school here is not the way for me to go. The next day began the nightmare that was registering me at Heartland Community College. We went over there early in the afternoon to fill out paperwork, and I had to take all sorts of placement tests, and an online orientation, and the amount of paperwork and forms that had to be filled out - plus there were tons of people there to do the exact same thing that I was doing, because we all know that we tend to wait until the last minute to do all of this stuff, SO we were all there trying to squeeze in registration. As it turns out, seeing as I haven't seen any numbers besides those on a liscense plate or clock since the beginning of June, I didn't do that well on the math section of the placement test. In fact, I did so poorly that it prevents me from enrolling in either Calculus or Biology (2 out of the 3 classes I was planning on taking). So I have to spend the weekend studying precalc (blech) so I can go through that hell again to retake the test and HOPEFULLY do better than that terrible display. But, four hours after arrival at the school, we left Heartland for home, and the amount of stress that was packed into that four hours brought me to tears in the car with my aunt and mom and little cousin Sarah (though I don't think Sarah cared that much, she was distracted by the veggie tales being played on the portable dvd player in front of her, which was actually what calmed me down and allowed me to hold myself together until I got home).

On a side note: I don't like to cry in front of people. I cry in front of my mom a lot, but I don't even like doing that. It isn't that I am uncomfortable with the people, but I like to appear strong and in control of myself, and I hate letting my guard down. Which has been difficult during this whole move because I am extremely emotional and stressed out all the time (my face looks like the Battle of Gettysburg has broken out all over it). I have cried in front of John Viera, who is like a brother to me, my family, and just recently Tom, Victoria and Stephen. That's it.
I called John today because I was having a bit of a meltdown in the backyard by myself, and I needed someone to comfort me (and I feel like I cry to Victoria, Tom and Stephen too much, they need a break from my fragile state), so I called John and within five minutes I was laughing and dancing around my backyard (yes, I dance around when I talk on the phone). I haven't talked to him in a while, something that I regret and I will make a point to talk to him a lot more in the future. We have gone through a lot together, our friendship has survived time, difference, people who oppose us, people who think we are dating, our own crushes on each other and the drama that has resulted from those crushes; he is very special to me.

I have been making a lot of plans already for my trips back to MD. I am looking forward to winter break, I am hoping to have a job and save money between now and then for travel, then spend a couple weeks out there. I have already checked plane and train fares, vacation dates, who I could potentially be staying with, etc. It helps keep me going, if I give up hope and just conclude that I won't be able to go back and see my friends and pony until next summer, I would be even more depressed than I am now. The hope and the planning keeps my engine running.

And I just have to vent once more about how much I miss Edgar. The four people I miss most from Maryland are Victoria Tom Stephen and Edgar, because they were the ones I spent the most time with over the summer, everday I was with at least one of them. I talked to Edgar every day even if I didn't see him, and it's hard to go from that to cold turkey no contact (his phone is still disconnected, but I relentlessly call his phone every day and will continue to do so - pathetic). I have been in regular contact with Stephen and Tom and Victoria, which is really good for me too. I spent the whole day skyping with Tom and Stephen, and plan to be online with Victoria later tonight. But no Edgar :-( Okay I'm done with that.

Mom and I went and saw the place where we will be boarding River. It's a nice place, small compared to where he is at now, but not a bad size as far as property goes. I was a little intimidated by it at first, and to be honest I still am. It is a completely different feel from what I am used to as far as boarding barns go - but maybe mom is right and I will get used to it. I'm just excited for River to get here so I can have SOME horse interaction. Though it's too bad that we won't have another horse here so mom and I can ride together. I'm trying really hard not to think about Isaac, its too painful. Even when he was away for off sight training last year and I didn't see him for just four months, I would think about him and just cry because I missed him so much. So the idea that it will be a whole year - I just can't think about it. So I don't. Except I am right now. Done thinking about it.

Sophie was waging war against a giant junebug earlier. It flew in the door as I came back from a walk with Hope, and Sophie went right for it. It at first just sat still and waited to see if she would go away. And she tried to bite and eat it, but it was too small, so she started pawing at it. The bug, after realizing that the dog was going to end up injuring it if it didn't do something, so it spread its wings and tried to fly away. Sophie was so excited by this moment that she pawed it down to the ground again and tried to roll on it. When the rolling didn't work (she missed the thing by a mile) she reverted back to pawing, but very vigorously this time, her whole body wiggling and her head tossing from side to side. After a few minutes of this, she walked away from it and we all waited to see if it was truely dead or not. It was laying on its back, and truely looked like it was a war casualty - two legs in the back twitching and the rest motionless. We considered this to be enough, and scooped it up in the dustpan, and to the garbage bin which would act as the poor things coffin.

Still waiting for Victoria to get online, but that's all I have to say for the night. Goodnight all!

I Miss You, I Need You, Without You I'm Stranded {Plumb}

The moving process has begun!

Or the moving-in process I should say. I finally got to see the inside of the house today which is beautiful! I am really liking the idea of living in a new, big house. My room is green, which is what I was planning on painting my new room anyways, so it works out perfectly! Beautiful landscaping/backyard/frontyard/neighborhood in general. We have a fireplace on the main level living room and in the basement! Bar system in the basement (hehe party anyone?), the bathroom Joshua and I will be sharing has two sinks (no longer will I be cleaning his spit out of the sink!), and mom and dad's bathroom has a jacuzzi bath (which I am SO hijacking!) - and I almost forgot about the BEAUTIFUL, bright, spacious kitchen-that-has-gas-stove-great-fridge-mounted-microwave-pretty-sink-and-window-with-great-view. I really couldn't have asked for anything else as far as new house goes. PLUS, inside scoop, we are getting new leather furniture and a flat screen for the basement. NOW who wants to come visit me from MD???

Breakfast this morning, today has been one of the worst days of the whole move. I am going stir crazy in this hotel! Mom and Dad are at the house supervising the movers' unpacking stuff, leaving Josh and I here. I didn't mind it for a while - I took a nice bath, uploaded pictures, took a nap. But I'm the type of person who can't stand to not have something to do! Laziness only takes me so far! I hate not feeling productive. I'm actually looking forward to school because work makes me feel better. I'm looking forward to start unpacking too. I have been researching picture frames and rugs and desks to accessorize my room with, which is fun, but I would rather be out there DOING things. What's worse is that my besties are unavailable for the day - Stephen is cleaning in preparation for the cleaners to come tomorrow (still doesn't make sense to me - you are cleaning FOR the cleaners??), Victoria is packing her things to prepare for the college move, and Tom has finally abandoned this planet in search of something better. This has left me to talk to some loser guys on facebook who I know, but have no interest in. This is what my life has come to.

Can I take a break and bitch about something else for a second - fashion magazines. Okay, Victoria knows how I feel about them, but I just need to clarify my feelings on this. Besides the fact that if I sit down and read more than half the magazine in one sitting my brain starts imitating oatmeal, the content of them is outrageous! I never really followed magazines so I won't pretend to know what I am talking about, but was there ever a time where a magazine wasn't something other than a load of ads? If not outright ads for a product or company, then the articles entitled "The Key to Perfect Skin" or "Seduce Your Man With These Easy Steps" are just lists of makeup, clothing and accessory products. They give the name of the product, its manufacturer, a five word description of what it is and what it does, and the price - maybe the website or store where you can find it. What is the point of reading that crap? Maybe it's important to girls who have money and want nothing more than to spend it on $20 lipgloss that you could get at the dollar tree, but I am poor and like to hold on to whatever money happens to come my way, so there is really no point for me to read the magazine, let alone buy it (yet here I am with a copy of Cosmo next to me). And don't even get me started on the double standards! On one page they will have a "Guys Tell All" article, where they interview men and find out that, oh, guys actually don't like it when you wear so much makeup that it rubs off on them if they brush your face - they like a natural looking you, not a barbie doll. But wait! Turn the page and there it is, "The Key to Perfect Skin!" there to give you a mile long list of cosmetics that will help you get "natual looking skin." Am I making my point?

Now that that's over (I have been bottling up my outrage over this for a while), we can return to my feelings :-). I'm struggling with the whole boy thing. People keep comforting me with "oh but there are so many cute boys here/there" (which I don't mind, just using it as an example), and yes there has been a couple cars packed with guys who have slowed down in a parking lot just to check me out - but I really don't care at this point. I am not interested in guys, let alone getting a boyfriend. I mean, let me clarify, I'm a teenage girl and there is nothing teenage girls want more than a cute boyfriend. So yes, I do want a boyfriend, but I am not preoccupied with looking for one, and I'm really not interested in checking guys out at this point. In reality, I miss Edgar a lot, even though I really don't think he misses me at all. It's nearly impossible to get in contact with him because his phone has been disconnected for goodness knows how much longer, and he is never online. So how am I to know if he misses me or not. And he has a player mentality - he can bounce back quickly from a crush. But the point is I miss him and not being able to get in contact with him is depressing.

A much happier note - Victoria, Stephen and I figured out how to do video chat! It really helps me a lot, its as if we are all hanging out together, we were watching TV together for an hour last night. Now I don't know how long it will be (or even if there will be a problem) until I have internet after I move into my house (tomorrow), because I know we don't have wireles here yet. Hopefully everything will be fast!

Nothing New {Ashlee Simpson}

First official day as an Illinois resident.
It was eventful yet not. I woke up this morning and felt, well, numb is the only way to put it. I really didn't feel anything. My brain was telling me that I'm still stuck in here and my friends are still in MD, and you have long day of sightseeing and adjusting ahead of you - but I didn't really feel it.
I was woken up by my phone vibrating (you can see where my priorities lie when my parents walking around my room doesn't wake me, but my phone set to vibrate does) and its Mama asking what I want for breakfast. Now, as nice as it is to be able to choose between French Toast and pancakes for breakfast ( I am not a big fan of pancakes if given the choice) this call ended up preventing me from falling back to sleep. My brain had to wake up enough to make an educated decision about my food choice, and after that mental workout I was too stimulated to fall back to sleep. So I got up and shuffled to the bathroom (tripping over the dog bed, Joshua's suitcase and his feet in the process) only to discover that my darling brother has clogged the toilet. Okay not a big deal, I can just cross over rooms and use my parents' bathroom (we have adjoining rooms). But no! Their door is closed and I am unable to open it. I proceed to frantically text my mom to hurry home or else housekeeping will have an unpleasant mess to clean up later.
I ended up crying in the shower, because for some reason, showers are huge emotion stimulator (maybe its just me). The combination of water and steam and heat; it's just an environment that says 'you are safe here, go ahead and let go." So I took a really long, emotional shower and by the time I got out, Victoria and Stephen were awake and texting me - which made me feel better and worse at the same time.
I was at the point where I couldn't stand to be alone (and alone not just me myself and I, but I find myself feeling alone when I am with my parents and Josh too) so I texted Mimi and asked if she would come and see me today. I ended up having a great time with her - we went to the mall and had our girls coffee time. When we got back to the hotel though, I felt like I needed space, so I spent an hour or so putting music on my Itunes while everyone else played Wii in the next room. I felt bad, like I was being antisocial and rude, but I really just needed space (something I am needing more of lately), but I gave in and played Phase 10 with them all later - which was loads of fun and I do not regret.
When they left I took some more "me" time and took advantage of the comfy, cozy lobby and curled up with Count of Monty Cristo (which is a book I think I will make a tradition of reading once a year).
We are apparently going to church tomorrow morning which annoys me. Beyond my feeling tired all the time and hating the idea of getting up early and getting dressed up to go somewhere, I don't like the idea of church in general. (This post is going to worry my mother and going to inspire a 'conversation' later, I can feel it) But God and I have not been on the same page for a while now. To be honest, I am very angry with Him, for a lot of things. Mainly now for uprooting me (because according to everyone I have spoken to, this move is a "God thing"). It's difficult to explain - I still believe in Him, and know that a lot I am doing right now, from my actions and words to my attitude, isn't honoring Him, but I really don't want to follow Him. I think I will eventually, but right now, it's just the last thing I want. Take that as you will. Point of the story: I don't want to go to church tomorrow.
I am currently talking to Victoria about how she is scared to be at home alone. I'm telling her to blast music and dance and sing in front of her cats. Apparently she has tried that already, dancing with a bag of Cinnamon in her hand, and the cats are too preoccupied with the cinnamon to care about her sexy dancing. My amusement for the night. That, and Josh is watching some sports game next to me, and won't stop fidgeting, pacing, hopping around (he is literally jumping up and down in anticipation-I should get a video). I am getting annoyed by this, but it's semi-amusing, so I won't say anything. (and he just stubbed his toe, this is too much :p)
I love you Stephen, Tom and Victoria! Think about you every waking moment of the day